Half of me today

People tell me everything ive achieved today is because of me and my efforts but thats not the truth.

I will forever owe half of who i am today to you. I crave for changes. To study in a new place, exploring a new city, places that are not haunted by our steps and silly jokes. But part of me believes that this is the best version of me. This is the maximum i could go. Because who am i without you and your comfort. I can't do life without you. It has been months. Nine months of grieving and crying and i miss being able to believe in myself and actually enjoy what i'm doing with my life. 

“The best version of me” started when you left, but not because you were holding me back, instead you were the reason I had hope in myself. You were the reason I wanted this life. You made me believe I could. I could lead. I could help people. I could secure a scholarship. I could make my parents proud. I could achieve good results in my exams. But you left right when that hope had just begun to grow inside me. You were supposed to be here.

I feel helpless

I know my friends want me to stop giving you the credits for who i am today but i don't think that's fair. You were there and the reason for everything that I've achieved today. No I didn't secure a scholarship. I couldn't lead anyone. I did not get a good result for my exams. I don't think my parents are proud of me. But I know I am actually far better than i used to be before i met you. I know I have achieved more than my 16 years old self could and would. 

It looks like it doesn't make sense but it hurts knowing that i let you own a part of me yet at the same time, I want to stop, stop thinking that you have the control over me, because I need change. But change scares me. Because I believe that this is the best i could do and be. that this is my highest peak. Why should I change "the best version of me" right? But it hurts knowing that you aren't here to cheer me, to help me. It hurts that I don't enjoy being me anymore. 

I want what you have too. I want to fly too. I want to be free and happy too. I want to be smart too. I want to be beautiful too. I want to be able to see you everyday too. I'm sorry for being me.